“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
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I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
No, why?
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
THIS IS A REAL BOOK R U SRS ???
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!