“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
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£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes