Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it

[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back

What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist

i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.

Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??

That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes

Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.

My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.

I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.

[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago

[interview]

“How would you describe your people skills?”

ME: I tend to drive others away.

“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”

I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.

[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]

Waiter: “what can I get u?”

“do u have any eucalyptus?”

*restaurant goes quiet*

[text from friend)

Her: You doing okay?

Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?

you never know what burdens people are dealing with

Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”

I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.

Anyway. Monkey for sale.

Mom: I need your email address.
Me: okay it’s Rodlacroix-
Mom: WAIT. R…
Me: Mom-
Mom: O-
Me:
Mom: Okay then what?
Me: MOM IT IS LITERALLY MY NAME

[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA

[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast

Boss: you need to take a drug test

Me: not if you want me to do this job

While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.

Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?

Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?

Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.

Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.

I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.

Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem

I get a cool lever

I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.

*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*

Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!

Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.

TSA guy searched my bag. Found my idol light sticks.

Him: “The hell are these? Mini Yoda lightsabers?
Me: “Oh they’re just light sticks. For concerts and stuff.”

He then fucking leaned in and did a Yoda voice.

“MMH. MASTER RAVER, I AM.” He said.

Blindsided me.

Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.