I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
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My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
The optimist sees the carrot.
The pessimist sees the stick.
I see the ranch dip.
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?