I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
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You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
So you heard that after I won several cuts from the butchers in a card game, I got back home to the farm to find out that one of my female sheep was questioning the existence of tropical cyclones, and you want to know if its true?
Well that’s four meat Uno, and ewe typhoon doubt.
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
CEOs are in danger, we need to put all of them in a submarine until we know it’s safe
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
hello, boyfriend? it’s me, girlfriend, from dating?
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
hello pervert is such a strong opener
Okay so this is wild. I’m using this ticket machine in Japan and it malfunctions and doesn’t give me my change.
Suddenly, a panel in the wall opens in the wall and a guy appears and tells me to hold on and then gives me my change.
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me