Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.

Believe me, I looked.

But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”

therapist: what’s your greatest fear

me: randomly going blind

therapist: i see

me: but for how long?

[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable

The police never think its as funny as you do.

Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.

Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.

Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!

[Hair Salon]

Stylist: What would you like?

Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.

I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.

*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??

Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.

Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice

[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever

[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed

This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.

Football player: please God, let my team win

God: ok sure, that’s simple enough

Football player on other team: God please let my team win

God: oh no

Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.

Me: Wait, did you just point at me?

*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*

“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”

Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.

You are welcome.

The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.

I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.

Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.

“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”

— Polite vampires.

On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.

me: I think I’m losing my marbles

proctologist: I’m finding them

I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..

I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem

[texting]

HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?

Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium

HG: ?

N: SeNd NeWDs

Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.