I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
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Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
I never forget to eat but I do eat to forget
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
my kid has gone trick-or-treating in the same costume for 3 or 4 years in a row. no attempt to entertain the neighborhood, just punching the clock and taking their candy. 🫡
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
you should be able to donate somebody else’s body to science
I like crazy people until they notice me
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
Lol.
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.