Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE

It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?

Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*

4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.

I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts

DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.

i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions

Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.

2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*

Me: She has a baby in her tummy.

2: *whispering* She ate it.

[bedtime]

SON: Can you leave the light on?

ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?

SON: What?

ME: What?

I cannot definitively say, even after all I’ve seen, that I would not visit Jurassic Park

you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:

“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”

well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:

“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”

BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.

Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.

Becoming a dad turned me into an environmentalist. All I do now is turn off lights and yell at people who waste energy.

I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.

[commercial for college]

*person shoveling money into furnace*

Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?

You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….

And it’s 8:25 p.m.

*pronounces woah like Noah*

Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy

what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness

Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore

Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.

You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles

All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”

The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.

him, on one knee: will you marry me

her: OMG

onlookers: say yes! say yes!!

me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far

BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool

ME *remembering I’m me* oh no

Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.

Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.

A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.

In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.

The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.

“Am I The A******? I punted my son into a volcano for not doing his homework”

Life is a suicide mission.