I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
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Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
They also CAN sing✌️
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Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)