I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
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Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
You’re locked in a room with nothing but 88 keys, none of which unlock the door. How do you escape?
A piano has 88 keys! All you need to do is play a scale on the piano, then step on the scale and get a weigh.
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.