Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself

Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”

“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”

DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?

ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there

My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.

When my kids ask me anything before coffee

When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.

Christian: You need Jesus in your life

Me: But I can’t find him

Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*

Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.

A group of crows is called a murder.

A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.

#notsorry

Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?

Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”

I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.

We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.

Let’s see if he notices.

4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.

I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.

Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father

You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.

Usage Guidelines

If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping

My god she’s good.

I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break

If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym

Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere

Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.

I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!

Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.

Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.

[Creation]

God: “Give them hair up their nose”

Angel: “Hair? But why?”

God: “To catch their snot”

Angel: “Snot?”