I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
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Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
Ghost hunting is just an excuse to hang with the fellas in the dark
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
me: *drops banger tweet
them: ha! this is funny, I wonder why he doesn’t have more followers
me: *drops another tweet
them: oh, I see
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes