I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
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Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
I can’t believe the gall of this bladder.
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
Everyone else time travelling: *preventing wars or the spread of disease*
Me: *buys multiple pairs of my favorite shoes they’ve stopped making*