Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.

We’re all still reeling from the events yesterday. Here’s what we know:

-I got an everything bagel w/ chive cream cheese at 10:30am
-I went to the park at 10:39
-I put my bagel down to take a pic of a squirrel I think I’ve met before
-Bagel went missing at 10:40

More info soon.

Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”

My mom called me and told me how much she likes watching Snoop Dogg at the Olympics and I had to remind her that she grounded me for buying his CD once

Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’

Clerk: Pants are implied

This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.

Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?

Me: I wanted to watch it again.

Wife:

Me:

Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.

The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.

Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.

Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this

I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.

“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?

I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.

FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?

ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?

Optician can tell from my eyes bleeding that I only just started flossing before the appointment

ME: I have an appointment for 1:30

RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?

ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you

You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!

I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are

Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.

“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie

What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”

Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”

He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”

my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo

Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”

Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.

Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.

Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.

karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello

I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB

My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough

Man wait until y’all realize that I’m the same person who posted this back in the day 😭
My life has BEEN weird. I got stories for days.