@BeTheCookie

I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.

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@hello_saylor

Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”

@Grommit56

Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.

@HushJared

Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.

Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.

@robynpalmer1

Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.

@neiltyson

While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.

@envydatropic

Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?

@CrockettForReal

Me: that tattoo is ugly as hell.

Them: dude, my kid drew that.

Me: then they need to go back to tattoo school.

@seancehat

[arriving at the international space station]

other astronaut: so how are things down there

me: a bit chafed tbh

@sixfootcandy

Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.

@AristotlesNZ

5yo: I dropped my damn spoon!
Me: Don’t be using that word!
5yo: Is it a bad word?
Me: It is..
5yo: Ok..I dropped my damn “food scooper”?