I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
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Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back