Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.

Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts

astonishing that every day people wake up and decide to have a go in the menswear guy replies. “I’m gonna put this guy in his place.” no you’re not. you’re a henchman breaking into John Wick’s home. you’ve made bad life choices

Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.

Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.

Overheard:

The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.

cigarette breaks used to be a great excuse to step away when I felt overwhelmed in social settings until I quit. now I try to get some space and people are like WHERE ARE YOU GOING and I’m like idk I just like to be away from you more often than this

I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.

“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile

Just a phase…

So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified

In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.

Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”

It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.

Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.

Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.

I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school

Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull

DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]

I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.

MARIE KONDO: does this empty box spark joy?

ME: yes

MK: and this old iPhone 4 box?

ME: yes

MK: and allll of these Amazon boxes? do they spark joy too?

ME: yes

MK: and this other one over here with all of these smaller boxes inside it?

ME: yes

I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?

Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.

Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza

I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?

I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.

Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.

‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’

~The monster under my bed

Blocking someone isn’t enough; I’ll steal their horse and turn it into glue.

My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.