I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
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Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
#SCOTUS one-star review
I asked my students today if they had heard Maggie Smith passed away, completely forgetting I had a student named Maggie Smith, who happened to be absent
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
My dog does such a good job we have never been attacked by a UPS truck.
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
For the record, saying somebody of the same sex is handsome or pretty or attractive does not make you seem gay at all, but prefacing that statement with “I’m not gay but…” kinda does
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”