I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
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Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
Full moons and eclipses are best captured with either a fancy lens or high quality mushrooms.
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
Just as the prophecy foretold
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza