Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?

The manual for my motorized wheelchair says “Do not operate while tired. ” I haven’t moved in six years.

We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.

She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.

It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.

My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes

“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”

No, I bought them 15lbs ago

If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.

FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can

I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.

In Russia, Pokemon find you.

Congratulating #CrowdStrike for reaching its carbon neutrality targets six years early through its disruption of global air traffic today!

1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’

*an investigator at the site of a airline crash recovers an undamaged toad the wet sprocket cd*
{shaking his head} they shoulda’ made the whole plane out of these

What do you call a woman that sets her credit card bills on fire?

Bernadette.

gpt-6 will have the intelligence of someone who decided not to get a PhD

asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.

Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.

My biological clock is wheezing.

WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus

“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.

My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.

[1 MINUTE LATER]

My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…

Welcome to your 40’s: see that kid dressed up like a cop, he is a cop.

My mom: why are you being so defensive

Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better

I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug

Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom

The darkness in me is making me sneeze.

I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?

Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.

If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.

Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.

Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.

Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?