I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
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HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
My husband just walked in the bedroom and said “love of my life look alike contest… you already won” lmfao
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
I wish I loved anything as much as people love to say they are “thrilled” on Linkedin. Dial it back people, no one in the history of the workforce has ever been thrilled about anything.
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
A babysitter allowed our 4 year old to eat 5 loaves and 2 fish! I had 5000 men coming over that this food was for..
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.