I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
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I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
Guess I picked the wrong century to start a telephone booth repair service.
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”