I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
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If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
just left a huge legacy in there
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
[First Date]
Him: So many choices Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure
Him to waiter: BLT, please
Me: I’ll have the same
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
To whomever keeps trying to access my Microsoft Office account:
Bro, I don’t even wanna be in there.
so you’re telling me that geneology is not the study of genies?
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.