I’m throwing a surprise 40th birthday party for my friend this weekend. He’s 34 so it’ll definitely work.
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ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
I’m so single even my husband won’t match with me on tinder..
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
Day 1: [Stranded on an island] Is this where it ends for me?
Day 2: Ok, I need to get to know this place
Day 3: I’ve spotted what appears to be monkeys.
Day 4: Omg I’ve just seen a person
Day 5: Ok, this is a zoo.
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.