Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk

😂 amazing answer

She’s got a great personality!

It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….

Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.

My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces

Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.

gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now

me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*

Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat

My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.

CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.

“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”

Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening

Her: that is literally what I just said

interviewer: why’d you leave your last job

me: i heard a loud noise

interviewer: wow what was it

me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired

Me: I need to sleep

Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss

My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.

When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.

I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.

Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.

I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving

[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me

Me: [watching news]
Child: Why do you watch the news?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: I asked-
Me: I’M THINKING

That incredible ability of cats to only throw up on carpeted floors.

it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw

My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites

Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.

I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.

Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!

[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.

me: psst, wanna see a dead body

nurse at my first surgery: no

[Kitchen]

*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*

ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}

*third date, back at my place*

me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!

It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime

Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…