Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

3 came up to me and asked for all the water in the house and then 4 came up to me and asked for all the paper towels in the house so I’m probably going to have to move.

My favorite part of Twisters was the throughline about the storm chasers being altruistic, ditching science to help people, like for instance telling them to go the opposite direction of the tornado, or find shelter, or “get down.” Where would these Oklahomans be without them

I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.

What personal space?

My dog

For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.

Halloween cuteness.. 🎃

🎥 IG: mr.smokey21

https://video.twimg.com/ext_tw_video/1585880199471800321/pu/vid/720x1280/13wESZ-gNzdcVXxj.mp4?tag=12

teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door

DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!

– how I threaten my kids

I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it

Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.

I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.

*date night*

Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!

Me: …omelettes 🙁

[Mad scientist lamenting]

“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!

DAMMIT I’M MAD !”

(Pauses)

“Hey…wait

Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.

Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.

I just want the sandwich he’s eating.

I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.

interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing

The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.

Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.

We are not the same.

My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call

[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible

Hmm 🧐

People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.

A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.

There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.

*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them

I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.

Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.

*being born

my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT

hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.

I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.

The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.