Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Manager: Is there any training you’d like to attend this year?

Me: Could I attend “Advanced Tolerating Simpletons”?

Manager:

Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.

50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.

[HIGH SCHOOL]

teacher: you’ll use calculus one day

[AGE 40]

me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know

99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?

Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.

Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.

Here’s your m

And an m for you

Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.

I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.

Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.

Thanos: I killed half the universe.

Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.

Everyone:

Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.

This coffee isn’t working… think I need holy water

So true for me

First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?

lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”

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ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*

BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters

Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.

Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***

judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor

card machine: insert chip card into reader

me: ok

card machine: do NOT remove card

me: uhh ok i wo-

card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT

*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*

We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.

2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene

Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??

I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.

I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.

yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.

Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!

After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.

Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork

My son: No thanks