Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.

Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?

The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics

Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.

Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby

if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo

Reasons I visit a TL:

1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know

imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit

Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”

Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?

Me:…I rap a lot less.

So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation

🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet

Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.

I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.

Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.

Boy never ceases to amaze me

If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other

Genie: you get three wishes

Dog: I wish I was inside

Genie: two wishes

Dog: I wish I was outside

Genie: one wish

Dog:

Genie:

Dog: I wish I was inside

mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son

Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?

me: will i go to jail in the future

psychic: no

me: gimme your wallet and empty the register

I just checked Web MD and I have everything

It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.

Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass

Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remaining

Laptop after 20mins

Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes

Informant: why?

Me: for spilling the beans

Informant: I didn’t-

Me: shut your fern gully

Informant: what

Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy

Informant: ok now you’re making these up

Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur

I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.

I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.

All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.

up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star

Me: SPIDER!

Brain: Nope, fluff.

Me: SPIDER!

Brain: That is a fly.

Me: SPIDER!!!

Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.