@gorrdano

I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.

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@junejuly12

Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.

@BriarSly

Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.

If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.

@Shade510

When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.

@allisulli

LOL”Twitter is better with friends. We found some people you might know”. Block Block Block Block

@inmynewskin

Let your girlfriend know how much you love her by screeching loudly like a pterodactyl whenever she talks.

@jordan_stratton

SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.

ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?

@crushingbort

*crowd in 1889 screaming because I appeared out of thin air and shot a baby* that was Baby Hitler…everyone calm down that was Baby Hitler

@TheGladStork

I wish horses knew that every person who drives by them says, “Oh look. Horses.”

@shanethevein

Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.