@gorrdano

I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.

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@FeelingEuphoric

ME: I have an appointment for 1:30

RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?

ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you

@ItsAndyRyan

I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.

@KKBowls

I just saw a spider on the wall, I went to hit it — it just fell and ran away. I was all, ‘Oh my God, he knows what I look like.’

@KateWhineHall

Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.

@SimplyNamedTron

One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?

PANCAKE

ok I need you to step out of the car

@XplodingUnicorn

My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.

I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.

Just kidding.

I moved the damn towel.

@_wangwe

Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.

@thrillhicks

I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.

@kumailn

Schools should teach mandatory classes on when a phone conversation is done.

@TheBosha

Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.