I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.

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Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.


Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.

If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.


When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.


LOL”Twitter is better with friends. We found some people you might know”. Block Block Block Block


Let your girlfriend know how much you love her by screeching loudly like a pterodactyl whenever she talks.


SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.

ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?


*crowd in 1889 screaming because I appeared out of thin air and shot a baby* that was Baby Hitler…everyone calm down that was Baby Hitler


I wish horses knew that every person who drives by them says, “Oh look. Horses.”


Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.