I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
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me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
The struggle is real.
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?