I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
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My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
My teenage niece and nephew refer to everything before the year 2000 as “the 1900’s” and, while technically correct, it still makes me want to slap them.
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
Me: I love you more than a flower loves the sun.
10: I love you more than a teenager loves her phone
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate