I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
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“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
(driving in a bad neighborhood)
me: *slowly locks my door*
murderer in backseat: *slowly locks their door*
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL