Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Go to a doctor?

When there’s all this free advice on the internet?

Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?

Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous

Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.

doctor: you’re completely blind

me: what are you saying

doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf

me: what

doctor: oh right

[first date]

Him: I love Asian girls

Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eye

Him: No, not like that

It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.

My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story

Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?

Me: No, what?

Son: Camo meal

*we tearfully embrace*

Wife: JFC

Getting closure is important.

*lies on bed to zip up jeans*

I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.

“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.

Lovely man.

Terrible heart surgeon.

I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’

Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time

Toddler: I WANNA HELP!

* overheard at the bar *

Becky: so what do you do?

Him: I’m a beekeeper

Ecky: you astard!!!!

Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea

Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.

This 4th of July, please remember…

I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.

She is not “fun to be around”.

It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day

Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping

Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one

Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites

Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.

Me: THE drawer?

Wife: Yeah.

Great. There go our Oreos.

Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?

[sitting at a table]

Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number

*thermostat negotiations*

How do I tell my family I think it’s best if we start seeing other families.

What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?

A Parenting Story

“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”