Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…

I don’t even know where Kardashia is.

(geography’s not my strong suit)

Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?

Asking for a friend. x

NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs

SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail

NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug

SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?

NOAH:

SLUG:

NOAH: karaoke’s at 7

Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.

If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?

When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”

If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.

It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.

You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.

t-shirt: Lay flat to dry

me: I can’t do laundry lying down

My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.

[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle

“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything

M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.

I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.

Oh no, a login from a new device? And that device is my phone? My one and only phone that I and I alone use to log in several times every single day? And the geographical location is my *house*, you say? Thank you so much for warning me I will contact interpol

I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.

Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.

I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure

So, who do I speak to about swapping out my nervous system for a chiller one?

The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.

Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?

If you purchase flame retardant pants, you can tell all the f****ng lies you want.

It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer

{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}

me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT

Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her

When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.

{Police Job Interview}

Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.

Recruit: Why kill a kitten?

Captain: You’re hired.

Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.

Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.

I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.