I’m tired and drank a lot of coffee so now I’m tired but faster
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[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.
“Your parcel is out for delivery.”
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
Pro tip for my good boys out there
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
“Oh I’d love to but I can’t”
Translation: I don’t want to so I won’t.