I’m tired and drank a lot of coffee so now I’m tired but faster
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There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future