Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.

To think, these Olympic divers were once annoying kids making their parents “watch this” as they did the same exact lame dive 37 times in a row

Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.

Inspiration twitter:

“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”

Also inspiration twitter:

“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”

“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”

Yeah….so is a grenade

babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad

I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”

I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.

Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”

My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.

NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.

Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage

Hello, my name is Pierre.

Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work

her: there’s a spider in the bath

me: ok I’ll get him a little towel

Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING

It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.

Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change

You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.

i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone

Just got my first “let’s hold off on this conversation until the New Year” email. Absolutely ecstatic

I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble

Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot

modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”

Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.

I once sneezed so hard that I set every clock back two hours, and the Sky Marshall had a little talk with me once we landed

The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.

me: we’re going to go look at this house, but we are not buying it

5: maybe it can just be an extra house in case our house breaks

*scampers over to ice cream truck*

Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.

*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*

Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.

If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot