Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye

“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”

*sigh*

“Because you don’t b-”

“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”

Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.

Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined

Me: no

911: 911

me: I think my smoke detector is broken

911: is there smoke?

me: how would I know?

911:

me: 911 how would I know?

Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”

Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”

Me: *dies alone

I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.

I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.

People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.

The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust

You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.

You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.

Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym

It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)

Think you know guilt?

*takes long drag on cigarette*

I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.

*exhales*

I hear Simba’s screams every night.

a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.

A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?

Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into

As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.

As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.

As a man of men, I eat the beans again…

ME: can I ask one last question

FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot

[gunshots]

FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck

Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?

I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.

Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.

I get so stressed trying to keep track of all my Christmas vouchers. I wish there was a universal voucher you could spend anywhere. Maybe it could have the king’s face on it and come in different denominations.

If you drink five of those 5 Hour Energy drinks in one day you unlock the secret 25th hour and you also die

He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.

[ autumn, 1579 ]

pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!

spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!

susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth

Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home

If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.