@LuvPug

I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down

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@galvinchow

PASSWORD EVER, USERNAME GREATEST *username/password must each contain at least one numeric character* PASSWORD 9EVER, USERNAME GREATEST6

@MooseAllain

My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.

@riverpig12

Cats get a pass bc they’re “Cleaning themselves”. Dogs are like, Hey! I can reach this?!?!

@simoncholland

You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”

@lizetagge

Before. b-e-f-o-r-e, not B4. We speak English, Not bingo…

@ArfMeasures

Doctor: Are you sexually active?

Me: You’ve already written no

Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess

Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess

@Schmoodles

Me: When does karaoke start?

Him: Never.

Me: But I put my
“I ? Karaoke” t-shirt on.

Him: We noticed.

Me: This is the worst funeral ever.

@nigelgodwin

I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!