I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down

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the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now


*stops walking* Wait, I think there’s a stone in my shoe

*takes off shoe, shakes it upside down*

*Mick Jagger hits the ground with a thud*


Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair


In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.


Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.


[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
1. Divorce lawyers


good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich


[1st date]

HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?

ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives


You: “I’m only 35, I have my whole life ahead of me.”

Sports Broadcaster: “Here comes the oldest player in the league. He’s 32. A miracle.”