I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
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I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.