Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.

Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?

When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”

Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now

Bear attacking me: [bear noises]

“I just can’t help myself!”

—paramedic on his deathbed

So, this morning I went into the garage and noticed the attic was wide open. We don’t use it and it’s a heavy panel, so I was freaked out already but trying to play it cool for my kid.

But tell me why my 5yo stared straight into the darkness and said “a man lives there.”

Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.

Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”

“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?

It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”

lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian

Parenting explained

Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at mom

Them: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad

Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?

Me: Are you surprised I like kids?

Him: I’m surprised you had sex.

You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.

Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow

Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*

Me: He means a graph

Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY

waiter: any questions?

me: did courtney kill kurt??

him: uh, about the menu?

me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu

When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.

My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.

The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…

What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?

A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes

Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work

Me: I made this belt out of herbs

Her: why?

Me: oh, just waisting some thyme

I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.

look scared

I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.

Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?

Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.

Whiskey, tango, french fry…?

Yeah, I think that’s right.

Me: can I get a Coke please

Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here

Me: how about a lemonade then

Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here

[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]

Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.