Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.

Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.

Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.

[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,

I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it

i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.

you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise

A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.

Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa da

Daughter:

Me: shit

Daughter: shit

Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT

The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.

If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name

A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.

Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.

Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.

I’ll be honest. I can’t solve your problems. What I can do is create new, bigger problems that will make your current problems seem quaint by comparison.

ok but what if they had media literacy
(this was funnier in my head)

accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy

Therapist: Have you ever had a job?

Me: I once worked at a zoo

Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?

Me: Definitely not a penguin

Therapist: what

Me: what

Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.

Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible

Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!

Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though

luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird

I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college

After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.

Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *

* Looking for my gloves in the shed

When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.

If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.

Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end

I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…

NEVER. AGAIN.