“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
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There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
marriage is sneezing 3 times in a row and then hearing someone in the next room yell “JESUS CHRIST”
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
The Punning Dead.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
I want what they have
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.