“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
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*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
One day you’re young and fun and the next you’re saying things like, “That’s a pretty building.”
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
lol
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
Had to submit my CV for something and they asked why there was a three month gap between finishing school and starting university lol
What do you call a sheep covered in chocolate?
A candy baa
#DadJoke
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.