I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
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When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
old twitter is back baby
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
Be the reason they start searching bags for googly eyes at the entrance to your local zoo
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.