Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself

I used to schedule naps, but now they’re little surprise parties my body throws at all hours of the day

Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party

Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic

on da cob, we all corn

Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.

Worse news:
I’m a bus driver

Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-

People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE

Meterologist: But science

People: NO

HER: I’ve missed you so badly.

ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!

The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK

Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars

If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣

12 yo: I say “mucho” to all my Spanish speaking friends
me: why?
12: bc it means so much to them

Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:

I’m mad and sad and doing very bad

There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.

Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet

[does his regular grocery shopping]

Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?

Me: ……………….yes.

Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science

Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no

My neighbors were arguing and I opened the door to see what was going on and the lady was like “Lower your voice neighbors can hear you” and the man was like “MAN F*CK THAT NOSY A** LADY”

I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.

I eat them now.

Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.

The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.

“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.

Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.

And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”

“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think

“and who is your primary care doctor” buddy it’s 2024. are you also gonna ask me who my butler is or where I’ve parked my lamborghini, be for real

I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.

bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point