Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.

[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that

Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.

So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?

Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.

Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas

cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55

me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha

cop: sure whatever

[later in traffic court]

judge: how were you going 420 in a 55

People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?

It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.

Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.

people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone

Sperm me would be swimming in the other direction

If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.

You should be able to google why a couple broke up

I wasn’t feeling well so I googled my symptoms. I either have allergies or I died two days ago.

Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!

Wife: But we d..

*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores

Sex so good you see dead people.

GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!

ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.

A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.

Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.

Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.

There’s an important lesson here.

I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced

Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄

Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.

Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?

Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.

“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg

this isn’t threatening at all

Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card

Astrologer: do you know what we say about November birthdays?

Me: that the Valentines lingerie worked?

Astrologer: no

Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.