Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!

– Incinerational Tweet

i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car

A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.

Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk

them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty

me:

If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.

I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8

They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.

[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?

Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind

Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese

Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first

I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.

If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.

Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.

what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie

Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.

I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSpray

We tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.

How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?

I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!

*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.

I once sneezed so hard that I set every clock back two hours, and the Sky Marshall had a little talk with me once we landed

“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”

*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!

Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.

I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.

Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?

Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )

The Wolf of Wall Street.

me:*pulls chair out for date*

her: such a gentleman

my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!

Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up

[On a road trip]

Kids: Oooh a Waffle House! Can we eat there?!

Husband: Hard pass. I’ve seen y’all fight, and frankly, it’s not gonna cut it.

Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle

Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive

I try not to let avocados go bad anymore cause last time I let an avocado go bad, it stole my car and robbed a bank