I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.

-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids

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Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.


[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??


I don’t chase guys unless I have my inhaler with me.


Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.


My daughter just found the iron in the laundry room and asked “What is this? Some kind of olden days coffee pot?”

When do I get to go to heaven?


(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions


In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.

Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.


I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”


A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.


If you get butterflies in your stomach

You should probably stop eating insects