Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
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Bro what is this
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
Mail is crazy because it’s like 99 pieces of straight up garbage and 1 that if you don’t reply to you’re going to jail.
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
The way this guy who wants today’s newspaper is low-key gonna find the guy in the branch who currently has today’s newspaper even if he has to search every gas station, residence, warehouse, farmhouse, henhouse, outhouse and doghouse to do it
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
I asked my boss “What do u want me to do with this 6 metre roll of bubble wrap?”
He said “Just pop it in the Corner”.
4 hours it took me!
I’m not lazy… I just don’t have the desire to come up with a more accurate way to describe myself right now
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing