Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
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A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
If you ever suspect you might be in a horror movie just don’t do anything! Dont go anywhere. Sit down lol just take a nap
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
Dog owners: we did two years of research and carefully picked the most suitable breed
Cat owners: I took garbage out one night
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
I tried to speak French one time, accidentally swallowed like 6 words
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
Kidney stones? Hard pass
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea