I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
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evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
Tell the colonel to bring it
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me