I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
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I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
Plumber: I think I found the problem
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck