I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
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Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
I have no idea what is happening here but it is the best thing I’ve seen today!
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
When can I start eating bats again.
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
She was REALLY feeling it.
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on