I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
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Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
Taking a little nap while I wait for the driver in front of me to realize the light has turned green
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
DOOO EEEET
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
Chicago sounds lovely.
My daughter is now a licensed driver and we had her go out to pick us up some dinner.
Y’all, it took 16 years, but I got my own Uber Eats driver now
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv