Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.

*3:30 am

House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?

Smoke alarm: I had last week

Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.

HA: Water heater?

WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!

Me: *almost falls out of bed*

HA: HAHAHA! Good work!

My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less

“Where is the bathroom”

and a bit more

“She was dead when we got here”.

Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”

If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk

History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud

you can’t prove that threatening a toilet doesn’t work

How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.

HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.

Children will see a neatly hanging dish towel and be like oh hell no

Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper

Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience

Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels

Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.

I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.

*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse

People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.

You can get poptarts but you can’t get momtarts because of the pastryarchy.

I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”

I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?

a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists

My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”

i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized

snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me

me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—

snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*

i still think about this 10yr old post a lot

Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate

Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.

Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.

I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.

It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.

My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.

Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.

Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.

So much for trying to
be Friends.