Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.

Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.

What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapes

What I could draw:
damaged stairs

The prophecy is fulfilled

EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol

Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.

Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.

Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.

Me: *typing on laptop*

My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*

Me: Aww. So sweet.

My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*

Me: Or not.

[first day as a drug dealer]

Buyer: got any Morphine?

Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.

This could have been an email.

— me, while attending a wedding ceremony

Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.

One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.

* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.

Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?

Dentist: The music?

Me: No. The drill.

Dentist:

It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.

Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio

Till the neighbors start to mow

Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it

Me: I’m not surprised

Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk

I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.

My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…

You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”

My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids

The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.

Today I learned that you’re supposed to pee on a jellyfish sting and NOT a jelly stain. So my apologies to the lady at Dunkin this morning. I was only trying to help

No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema

Overheard, my kids-

7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda

The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.

If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago

ㅤ

Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once

Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?

The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.

My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.