I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
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I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
I knew the date was going well when we shared a glass of gravy with two straws.
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
My 6yo told me his classmate has a pet wolf, and it’s giving him some ideas about our current pet situation
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
[ 35 years later ]
*sits bolt upright*
OMG SHE WAS FLIRTING WITH ME !
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.