Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?

Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.

If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.

I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.

[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]

*updates social media with selfie*

Bring food,

No weirdos.

Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one

Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked

God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?

Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.

Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*

Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”

Alex: A ship that has sunk

What is my relationship?

Alex: No sorry tha-

[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex

My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling

Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?

*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*

Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh

Bad: at 4 AM.

In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.

CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*

Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.

The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.

the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child

my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s

my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/

Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me

My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.

cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding

me: fine

garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake

11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.

10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.

ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.

ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.

ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.

ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.

I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.

Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.

I never delete my text messages…just in case a MF’er wants to lie about what they did April 25 1992

I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*

After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.

I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..