Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.

[married convo]

Her: Hey, babe…guess what?

Him: What?

Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.

Him: You need me to do laundry?

[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]

Me: one internet please

How did the person who invented the spelling of “banana” decide when to stop?

Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.

I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.

-me, forgetting your birthday

[grocery store]
Cashier: hi there

Customer: hello

Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol

20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision

I love the word placebo, but it lacks something

Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!

My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.

cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft

me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?

cop:

I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.

So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!

would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this

“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.

ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin

being a writer on Twitter:

Me: Clean your room.
Daughter: Won’t
Me: Do your homework.
Daughter: Can’t
Me: I’m taking your phone then.
Daughter: DON’T

16 years later & the contractions are still coming every 10 seconds

Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.

Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is down.

I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying

Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life

I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.

I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.

Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.

I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach

– my dog begging

Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.

Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉

Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.