I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
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God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
CUTE CAT‼︎
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.