I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
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Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
Me to the bartender: When you asked me if I wouldn’t mind some head I thought you meant…
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
Read an interesting statistic this morning: ‘Over 73% of women are deeply unhappy with their sex life.’ I still have no idea how it got laminated and stuck on the fridge door at home though.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
Allegiant airlines charges for a glass of water but you know what’s free? Ice. Now we wait.
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out