Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me right now holding my cough in because we have a guest and I’m already in my pj’s and in bed so I’m really not available to go to the living room to say hello and I don’t want the guest to hear me cough

15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’

Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘

15: ‘It’s back.’

Me: ‘Good talk.’

I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.

my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.

breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!

hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)

The darkness in me is making me sneeze.

growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum

This headline is a thing of beauty

what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves

5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.

[First Date]

Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?

Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives

W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours

I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.

If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.

me: how can I impress my date

friend: take her to your favorite food place

me: ok

[later]
her: that’s was really nice

my mom: you’re welcome

american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere

Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.

[first day in prison]

me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open

guard: what

What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.

The Jaws theme stays on during sex.

yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day

It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.

Wrong answers only

Answer: Marriage

”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar

Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*

Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*

House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*

Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting

[game night]
date: do you have siblings?

me: *flips table*

date: so you’re the youngest

WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys

ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?

What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?

My dad, who was a nurse, told my mum he would absolutely not take take toddler me to the nurse’s strike picket lines and got busted when my Auntie Sue rang to tell my mum that I was on the 6 o’clock news on my dad’s shoulders, waving a little placard.

Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?