I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
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Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
Croutons feel like an apology. “Sorry we gave you salad. Have some consolation toast.”
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
“Hi, I’m trying to find a book to read and I don’t know where to start.”
“Well, let’s narrow it down a little. Do you want fiction?”
“No, I don’t really like fiction.”
“Non-fiction, then.”
“No, not that either.”
“Okay…”
“Does that narrow it down?”
“Like you wouldn’t believe.”
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
I’m Sold!
If they are stale enough you could easily kill two birds with one scone
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
– Are you suuure there’s nothing to eat?
-One moment, let me check my bra
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”