I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
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Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Is fructose made with real fruct?
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*