I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
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My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
Interviewer: Your resume lists one of your skills as “planning evil events.” That’s a typo, right? Don’t you mean “live events”?
Me: [slowly rubbing my hands together] If you prefer
Breaking news:
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
Quadruple digit IQ
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
This could’ve been an email.
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
Welcome to the stomach
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.