I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
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Required: An app that turns the page of the calendar that’s on the wall.
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
I didn’t even see a listing for Greenland on Zillow…
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
You’ll be OK
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
Seaweed is great for when you want to eat pure salt but wish it had the texture of slime.
Fiction has to make sense.
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.