I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
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just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
After having a week off, my boss returns to work today. please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
My Grandpa reached 110 yesterday.
That’s the last time I get in the car with him driving…
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]