“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
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‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.