I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
