I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
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There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
cats when you pet them too long:
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
might quit my job to focus on actually putting away my laundry
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
guilty
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
my uncle was kicked out of the army for eating too many spider webs
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.