Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out

Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff

Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.

Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie

Mind bending shirt from Baltimore Comic Con. My brain hurts.

Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.

Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.

The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.

Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.

cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town

me: but if you were, what bus would you take

* gets mugged *

“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”

A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.

speaking in tongues is a great way to quickly end a bad first date

My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.

Y’all I’m dead AF over this 😂😂😂😂😭😭😭☠️☠️☠️

[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy

Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.

-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.

Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.

Chicken Widow: BUT WHY

Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.

<gets on elevator >

Pushes all the buttons

Hugs everyone

Prays out loud that we’re not going to die

Gets off at the 2nd floor

Laughs

When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo

[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-

Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.

yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.

………….so like he’s clearly a monster right

[interview]

So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?

Superman: Are you being serious right now?

[Shipwrecked diary]

Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.

I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.

I kept not finding it. She got angrier.

I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”

Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”

😑

me: *googling* am I dying

web md: nope just sad

me: oh good

web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh

me: that’s fair

web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent

me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again

Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years

Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.