I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
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People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
A fake ID that makes you younger
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
This is what makes twitter great
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
mfs be saying “feb” cause they can’t spell februawary
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
rapatouille
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.