I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
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Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing