I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
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{4 way stop}
Aliens: *radioing home base* We really need to give up on this planet
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
it’s so hard to see someone else living your dream
so this horse walks into a bar
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
“Oh, no, you don’t have any scratch paper?”
“Yeah, looks like we ran out.”
“I’ve been using that paper to take notes. I go through a stack of it every day. How did you run out?”
“That’s a mystery we may never be able to solve.”
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
if i had an evangelical homie i’d be doing this all the time
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
Rapunzel! Let down your CVS receipt.
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
I’ve started using a firming serum and have definitely noticed a difference. I’m making firm decisions now.
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine