I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
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I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. I thought to myself, “Wow this changes everything.”
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
Cabinet installer arrested, charged with counter fitting.
Yesterday I wore something from 10 years ago that actually fit…It was a scarf but still
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.